Now that there is no doubt about Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) or Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) receiving their respective parties’ presidential nomination this summer, columnists across the country are free to engage in one of two remaining honorable pursuits.

They can either dive into the complex experiential, generational, geographic, gender matrix pool and help the candidates choose perfect running mates — or — they can get down to the unheralded business of securing invites to the coolest convention parties.

Being a textbook path-least-chosen kinda guy, it has normally meant all the difference — until now.

After spending the entire weekend trying to comprehend a May 20 House ethics committee memorandum titled “Gift Rule Provisions Applicable to National Political Conventions,” I am convinced that not only would it be easier to pick veeps for both Obama and McCain, I could also name their entire Cabinets, vet their judges, hire new White House culinary staff, pick out next year’s Christmas tree ornaments and rewrite the nation’s environmental laws before I could figure out what is — or — isn’t a “legal” convention party.

It is not that the memo is so lengthy (only three pages), but that it requires a football field-sized table to hold all the accompanying materials that one needs to “read in conjunction” with it.

The only encouraging thing about the memo is that it is literally printed on pink paper. This is a good sign and a clear indication that those party animals over at the ethics committee are really in a 24/7 festive mood and secretly don’t want to do anything to spoil anyone’s ability to have a good time this summer.

The memo is an “advisory opinion” that summarizes the key provisions of the House gift rule, which can be found in clause 5 of House Rule 25. Being the naïve idealist I am, I figured the House Rules Committee might be a good place to start on my journey to find House Rule 25, Clause 5. So, in pursuit of party excellence, there I happily clicked away.

Under a section titled “Rules and Precedents of the House,” I came across one of those pages that, from experience, if I don’t click properly, will require computer defibrillation for the next month:

Rules of the House
House Rules Manual (GPO Access)
House Practice: A Guide to the Rules, Precedents and Procedures of the House
Deschler’s Precedents of the U.S. House of Representatives
Hind’s Precedents of the House of Representatives of the United States
110th Congress Opening Day Rules Package

Saying a little prayer, I amazingly guess correctly and soon find Rule 25, Clause 5.

Under the bold heading of Gifts, I am a little disheartened when I not only see clause 5, but also (a)(1)(A)(i) behind it. I don’t know what all the code means, but my excitement builds as I think this might be a diversionary weeding-out operation to throw off party-riffraff from sneaking into the really cool parties.

After I master the full scope of Rule 25, clause 5 (a)(1)(A)(i), I return to the Pink Sheet, which further instructs me: “Such advice must be read in conjunction with a Dec. 11, 2007 memo named, ‘Member Participation in Certain Events Taking Place During a National Political Convention.’ ”

Fine. These parties are going to be really worth getting into if I can just hang in there long enough in what has now become the equivalent of a wild ethical goose chase.

I soon realize that the “original” December memo (more pinkness) also directs me back to Rule 25 — but to an entirely different section: Clause 8.

Here we go again. Rules website. Quick prayer. Defibrillator standby. Point. Click. Rule 25, Clause 8. I learn that House members are prohibited from participating in any event “honoring that member” when the event is paid for by a lobbyist or entity that employs or retains a lobbyist.  

Then, for purposes of clarification, the fine folks at ethics add: “This new rule prohibits members from accepting free attendance even at the otherwise permissible events … if the event is ‘in honor of’ that member and other conditions of the new rule apply.” Right. Got it. No questions here.

At this point in my search I will be happy if I get one stinking invite, maybe one glass of cheap wine in one of those cheesy plastic cups. I will even happily sign a waiver promising to hop on one foot, not sit down, not eat more hors d’oeuvres than I can cram into my top pocket, and to “not honor” any members of Congress I bump into.

In fact, I am prepared to sign an affidavit promising to not only “not honor” any lawmaker I see at the conventions, I will go the extra mile and show total disrespect. Whatever the House needs to uphold its standard of integrity, I am here to help. Gotta run. Those Christmas ornaments have just come in.

You can reach Jim Mills at This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it